Are You Suffering from Parental Burnout?

You’ve likely heard of burnout. Most often it is talked about in the workplace but it’s also very common in our family life. The main difference that differentiates the “job” of parenting from its workplace equivalent is that there is no option to resign. Even the guilt around voicing that something is “off” means the symptoms get buried or denied and worse. Parenting can cause chronic stress and overwhelming exhaustion, leaving many parents feeling emotionally distanced from their children. This can result in them believing that they are failing as a parent. Whatever the cause, burnout is unlikely to go away on its own and if not tackled can worsen over time, impacting on physical and mental health.

Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin BA (Hons), MA, PGCE, PG Cert. Coaching, Dip Couns. MBACP holds over 30 years’ experience in the industry as a teacher, coach and therapist. Here she looks at the signs of parental burnout, what causes it, the effects and how to recover.

Signs of Parental Burnout

Feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
Brain fog, confused thinking and forgetfulness.
Short temper – snapping more at children and partner, quick to anger.
Low tolerance – you have less patience with your children.
Depression – feelings of hopelessness.
Feeling isolated from those around you.
An increase in conflict and misunderstandings especially with children and partner.
Disrupted sleep – waking up in the night, worrying and not fully rested the next day.
Stomach upsets and/or headaches.
Heightened sensitivity to environments and emotions – crying more, reacting to loud noises or bright lights.
Obsessive compulsive tendencies – checking repeatedly that loved ones are safe.
Using alcohol, food, drugs to self-medicate or numb the pain.
Disorder eating with an eating disorder/compulsive exercise risk.

What causes Parental Burnout?

So many things. The sheer physicality of looking after a child or children; the school runs/pressures/calendar and social commitments is relentless. When a child is sick or has significant needs, it is additionally stressful. Cumulatively, this can lead to burnout. New babies, home schooling, home working, financial pressures, relationship stresses and health worries can all add to the mix. Sometimes feeling guilty about working/not working can be an added burden. There is no job description or security involved. Parenting tends to be a reactive experience; children get sick, worried, defiant, irritating and demanding, whatever age they are. Every child is different with different biology, environment, emotions and understanding so there is no one size fits all way to do parenting. It is a bespoke endeavour, but rarely do we receive lessons in how to negotiate this aspect of life, should we choose to have children, by birth, adoption, marriage or circumstance. We tend to be illiterate in this, most important, of responsibilities. Whilst we live under the illusion that we should instinctively know how to do the work and judging ourselves for finding it hard at best an impossible at times; parental burnout is likely to occur.

Effects of the Pandemic

Whilst it may be five years since the pandemic the trauma and loss continue to be felt. A generation that missed crucial learning as well as social, emotional and psychological development is still trying to recover. All of society may never fully recover so be aware of the more recent challenges of parenting, for example the reliance on devices and phones. These technologies were fast-tracked into the early years’ experience for educational purposes during the pandemic and have resulted, in some cases, in significant dependence or even, addiction, to phones and social media. When we watch programmes such as Adolescence, we can start to understand that whilst the world was desperately trying to stay safe, we missed the hostile invasion of our children’s lives. This is how stranger danger looked (and looks) – the outside had found a way into our homes.

The impact of the pandemic on mental health has been profound and it may never be accurately measured. Having to deal with social anxiety, educational gaps and the absence of early, necessary social development, which may never be fully acknowledged, is a major stressor. Getting back to “normal” is taking its toll.

Another issue worth acknowledging is gender differences with women still taking on the lion’s share of the work with the family. Whilst this may be a contentious issue, I strongly suspect, with an insistence by some companies on a return to the office, that mother’s or primary caregivers are bearing the childcare needs** .

Economic Challenges

We are living in economically distressing times, and this can really hit hard when it comes to your children’s needs and having to make choices. I appreciate that this can be really, really stressful. Children want a happy parent or parents – please try and stay focussed on this and try not to put too much pressure on finding money you simply don’t have. Be honest about financial stressors and try not to feel guilty or ashamed about delivering this message. There may be other difficulties if you are not getting what was decided in a child maintenance arrangement but try and manage this worry, constructively. I will say often in this article that children are usually way more emotionally intelligent than we give them credit for.

Not your Children?

Sometimes, taking on the responsibility of looking after a partner’s children can really take its toll, especially if the other parent or their representative isn’t being constructive. Being “judged” or “assessed” by the other parent can be psychologically and physically damaging for everyone involved – particularly the children, who might be weaponised and quizzed about what’s going on in your home.

Do try to remain calm when children say things to provoke; they’re likely to be angry, hurting, and confused. That said, it’s crucial to hold your boundaries and establish clear expectations in your home and within your care. If these aren’t being respected, then you and your partner need to stand strong together. If your partner isn’t offering support, you might want to consider removing yourself from the situation in the short term, or even permanently if you and your own children are suffering.

Organising physical location and access can be a real headache. If this wasn’t thoroughly addressed when custody arrangements were agreed, it can become messy, stressful, and corrosive to the relationship. The shadow of intrusion can heap additional pressure on you, your partner, and the children. It might be that legal advice is needed in such situations, which often just adds to the pressure of feeling like a “good enough” parent, regardless of whether your duty of care is by birth or circumstance.

Be wary of getting caught in the crossfire if a parent or family is intent on a “win”. In shared households, parenting can become competitive, with children being manipulated to prefer one home over another. Ultimately, it’s the children who lose out – believe me. Children need consistency, warmth, validation, firm boundaries, and a present parent or carer who can hear and contain the burden of their experience.

Chances are that Family Courts will encourage the legal parents to find an amicable, compromise solution for the children’s sake, but they can’t control what’s said to the children or the consequences of the parental alienation that sometimes results from separation or divorce. This isn’t a pleasant life, and you may need to reconsider your position and prioritise taking care of yourself.

Co-parenting apps can be useful in these cases; however, it does require all parties to commit to using them and, sadly, being disruptive is often a tool of control.

Holidays can be a tough time when your partner has had extended access to their child or children and then, abruptly, they’re gone and the loss is keenly felt. Seeing children go to the other parent with their partner and family can be very painful. This grief can be debilitating, so as a couple, lean into each other and seek support from trusted family and friends, parenting groups, online resources, and counselling, if you need a safe place to talk.

The Effects of Burnout

Not unlike workplace burnout, parental burnout effects your physical and mental health and impacts relationships with your partner, friends, family and your children. Burnout can leave you feeling like you can’t cope and emotional, that you can’t think clearly (cognitive impairment) and feeling tired all the time (fatigue). It is likely to progress gradually with many parents not realising they are at risk of burnout until the symptoms are profound.

That said, it is never too late to reverse effects and avoid significant mental and physical health issues Being aware of the symptoms is an excellent place to begin.

How do you recover from or prevent Parental Burnout?

Ideally, take time out. Garner support for an hour or a day or whatever you feel comfortable with.
Try and let go of the trivial things. He has put on odd socks. No big deal. Spilled her juice? Annoying – bloody annoying – but it happens. Forgot kit? They’ll learn. The 10-10-10 rule is excellent. Breathe deeply for 10 seconds think about whether acting in this moment will matter in 10 months or 10 years. When you are in burnout, the default reaction is likely to be shouting or an angry response. See no.1 – find time away.
Address perfectionism and parental guilt. Good parents do not need to be perfect people, and little humans are deliciously unfettered.
Look after yours and your family’s needs first. Outside demands can wait.
Find a safe other to discuss your distress with. A friend or relative if no partner available.
Ask for what you want. “Please wash the school kit before you bring the children back to me this weekend”. Be specific.
Sleep. Whatever works for you but please prioritise sleep, It’s medicine.
Move. Getting to the gym may be expensive or impractical. Try to walk or take the children to an outdoor play area.
Eat as healthily as you can and enjoy your food.
Avoid use of drugs and alcohol to cope. This is a short-term solution with possible long-term problems.
Siblings argue. Sometimes, the fighting can shred your nerves. Try – and this is a tough one – to let it run its course. AS LONG AS THERE IS NO PHYSICAL THREAT let them find their voices. If there is unkindness (and this is a given), call it out but also empower your children to stand up for themselves in an age appropriate and non-threatening way. And model saying sorry to children and expect them to do it with one another.
Set boundaries. If you are too tired to entertain a child for a playdate, please say no. When you do that, you are refusing the request not the person.
Be real. You do not need to sacrifice yourself at the altar of perfect parenting. There is no such thing. If your children are exhausting you, explain that you need a break and ask for help and support. You deserve a time out, too.
Credit your children with the intelligence to see that you are tired or stressed and tell them you are tired, sad, or stressed or whatever you can express in an age-appropriate way. If you don’t know how you are feeling – say that! Children, in my experience, are often far more capable than we give them credit for.
Ask your children how they are and what they are interested in/watching/listening to. In other words – get them to do the talking. Saves you a lot of energy!
A little bit of soul searching. If you were parented in a way that was not conducive to coping with demanding relationships, you may want to get some therapy or counselling. If your needs were not met, you may not know how to meet the needs of your children. It is not inevitable that you don’t know how. With insight, an enlightened partner or support system and self-awareness it is well within your power to break an unhelpful pattern of relating handed down over generations.
Validate your own childhood experiences. For example, if, as a child, you returned from school upset and a parent/guardian asked “What did you do wrong?!” – this may have left you with feelings of shame so you may want to say to your child “I can see that you are upset – do you want to talk about it and see if it helps?”. The most important thing you can do for your child is to listen to them, validating their experience and avoiding generating anxiety around the daily stresses of their little lives. I know – it’s a tough one. Again, it’s not an exact science – be gentle with yourself as well as your child.

Long holidays

There is no need to apologise for not being ecstatic about 6 plus weeks with the little darlings. Modern life was not designed for these extended breaks. Historically, it was so that families could bring in the harvest together and, being less dispersed, several generations would spend time together and share the load. Not only was it physically demanding so that they were exhausted by days end, it also allowed children to learn about responsibility and cooperation and rely more on themselves.

Sadly, that is not the world we live in so we tend to keep our children within our sight, tracked by apps or monitored by CCTV and, as parents, we can live in a state of high anxiety and constant stress. And children are demanding! Money, questions, moods, food choices, designer this – vintage that – it is relentless. Add to this the likelihood that we will be together much of the time in limited space.

What to do? Firstly, take a beat. You don’t need to write an itinerary for a 6-week multi-sensory extravaganza. Depending on finances and access to childcare, one thing a day may be enough; a long walk; a play date or a trip into town for something to eat may be enough in the day. If you are working, things may be tougher. What you can do is ask to work from home (WFH) and, if you are parenting alone, get ahead by asking your employers well in advance of holidays, what support or provision they can provide. Again, the use of parenting apps may ensure that agreed childcare responsibilities are managed and transparent for Family Courts to see, if needed.

Family and friends are a great resource. Please ask for help if you need a hand. If money is an issue, ensure that you are accessing all the financial help you can get and any summer childcare provision that is available in your area. Schools and libraries are particularly valuable resources and are usually delighted to signpost.

Finding the right help

Remember, you are unlikely to be alone. Speaking to other parents that you trust may allow you the opportunity to get support. Sites such as Mumsnet are a great place to find community. If speaking to someone you know is not an option please consider calling Stress Management Society – 0203 142 8650 or MIND – 03444 775 774.

Reading to this point is a great place to start. If you see yourself in these words, take control and make changes.

Remember, small changes can make big differences. You don’t need anyone to give you permission to self-care. Modelling this is excellent for your children. By showing them how to respect and care for yourself, you provide them with the template for looking after themselves. No child could ask for more.